Do children owe parents anything?

It wasn't the story headline, or even the gripping opening sentences that grabbed me. It was the photo cutline:

Vari Vati's son, Tama Txano Marubo, carried his mother 13 miles across the (Amazon)      rainforest via a strip of fabric stretched across his head.

Whoa. A strip of fabric stretched across his head?! How did that even work? I had to zoom in to understand. (Go ahead, look more closely at the stunning photo by Victor Moriyama, for the New York Times.)

Vari Vati may be one of the oldest people alive – 107 in September, according to official documents, although members of her tribe believe she is more than 120.

She was bound for a tribal meeting in a village 13 miles away. As reporter Jack Nicas put it: “She caught a ride on the only transportation available: her son's back.”

Which got me thinking: Would either of my sons carry me 13 miles? (There's no whine in my voice, honest.)

Which then got me into the tug-of-war between those who say:

• Children are a gift to their parents, did not ask to be born, and do not owe them anything.

• Or, parents devote their lives to raising children, and children should honor that.

The key, I think, is that any debt of gratitude can't be a burden that makes either the recipient or the giver regret the gift. Of course, showing – and acting on – our gratitude can be a burden. But one we don't resent. (Too much, to be honest.)

But the concept of gratitude is fraught. Ideally, the giver doesn't expect to gain from their actions, while the recipient appreciates them and behaves accordingly. But sometimes this is not what happens between parents and adult children.

Parents can make big mistakes. Even if they follow the book on raising their child, they may not intuit how to parent adult children, how to navigate that relationship.

Children, too, can make big mistakes. Even if they grow well early on, they may struggle in dealing with the world as independent beings.

What we're all trying to achieve is that nirvana where the work of the giver and of the gifted are rewarded in equal measure.

Luckily, the territory my sons must travel for me doesn't include the Amazon rainforest. But it no doubt includes terrain I can't anticipate.

The best we can do is to keep that gift/giver nirvana in our sights.

Photo credit: Victor Moriyama, for the New York Times

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