Talking. It's not for sissies.

How good are you at talking to people?

You probably think you're either a good conversationalist, or not. As if it's a genetic thing; once determined, immutable.

But there's plenty of research showing talkers can actually get better at it. That notion intrigues me because the mechanics of my disfluent speech are a big turnoff, which means what I say has to overcome that to keep my conversation partner engaged. Or else they leave me for someone else. Yeah, it's a tall order.

The number-one reason conversing can be hard, researcher Alison Wood Brooks says, is because we don't adequately prepare for it. We wrongly think it should be spontaneous, so we don't work at improving.

In her book, TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, Brooks calls conversation a “relentless coordination game.” That cues up her four research-backed strategies for being good at it:

Topics. Make a list of subjects to talk about. People balk at this – making the spontaneity excuse – but Brooks says it's crucial because it allows you to switch topics frequently. Research shows this leads to more meaningful and more enjoyable conversations beyond small talk.

Asking. Questions! “...almost all the secrets to becoming a better conversationalist have to do with learning more about your partner's perspective,” Brooks says. Most people spend only 10 percent of their speaking time asking questions. You've likely talked to someone who asks no questions at all. There's even a name for these people: ZQs, Zero Questioners. Asking questions increases likability. And dating opportunities. So there's that...

Levity. Sprinkle in lighthearted comments to create psychological safety, which leads people to reveal more about themselves. Personally, I love adding humor.

Kindness. Put your partner's needs first, especially on delicate issues. But don't necessarily avoid these topics. We tend to overestimate the damage of sensitive questions, Brooks says. Most respondents in her research found those questions to be fine. But be kind.

Finally, conversations should be “co-narrated” by all participants. Good conversation requires responsive listeners who demonstrate their attentiveness by responding with words that relate to what was just said, not their own parallel monologue.

Interviewer Terry Gross does this spectacularly on NPR's “Fresh Air.” And Scott Duimstra, former executive director of Capital Area District Libraries, likewise created an engaging conversation (see  photo) when interviewing me.  

Next chance you get, be brave. Be popular. Ask questions!

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